When I was placed as an Urban leader I was upset. I knew that my parents were mad, I knew that I was going to feel distant from other leaders in my area, and I knew it was going to be harder than I wanted. It took a full year of leading and listening to leaders from other schools talk about their ministries to realize that everyone feels that way. Urban may look different, but I’ve learned that each school and each “type” of kid carries weight that others don’t. The cliche phrase: “Kids are kids are kids...” has never held as much truth to me as it does now.
Leading cross-culturally is truly a gift. (Read Acts 8:26-36 for a picture of the Holy Spirit calling people to this.) Daily I get to learn things that I’ve never known. I seriously have felt so honored to be accepted by people that I am nothing like. It has been so humbling to realize that my highschool friends have never been attracted to Jessie.
It was obviously God who offered them some kind of peace about getting in the car with this weird white girl to go to sonic. It was obviously God that filled the awkward silence when I would ask them what their favorite subject at school was and they would look at me like I was a lunatic. It was obviously God who gave me words (and often times silence) when they would tell me stories about their parents being on the run from the police or their utilities getting shut off each month like clock-work. It’s been God each year as we prepare for camp who has provided support from unlikely places. It’s been God who shows up each time there is a fight at club and protects kids and leaders from being hurt.
As I stood at club 2 nights ago giving my last talk at our last club of the year and at my last
club at AE, God showed up like always. I was nervous that I would be a mess up there trying
to give a final message in this room that holds so many memories. I started to read from the
book, “Oh The Places You’ll Go” by Dr. Suess and the tears began. I quickly tried to pull it
together, only to begin crying again as soon as I got to the scripture about the Risen Jesus in
Luke 24. I just kept looking into the eyes of these kids and thinking “I haven’t said enough.
There is so much more they need, father. There is so much more they want. I haven’t done
enough. There is so much more to be done here. I can’t walk away from this. They have had
enough people walk away. How will they know that they are loved? How will they know that they are unique and amazing unless I tell them all of that now?”
Thankfully, I didn’t begin to rant (even though it took all of my self control). The Lord had
mercy on me and caught my tears and somehow the talk ended. Somehow I finished and
began to pray. Somehow I even managed to accept hugs and clean up after club without
tears. I drove home 4 of my close friends and dropped them at their apartments. I began
driving to my house and wasn’t budging. I honestly still haven’t felt the pangs from that night-
and I’m not sure if I will until I see a tweet next fall about #AEYL having ice cream olympics or
until I begin having club at a new school in a new place.
As I drove home, my friend Emily called and gave me this truth: she said something like,
“Jessie, I wonder if they have ever been cried for. I wonder if they’ve ever gotten to see
someone cry for them out of how loved they are. I wonder if they have known that love.”
My fear that my tears had been distracting vanished. My trust that God would show them his
love and meet them there was restored. My doubts in God’s ability to reach them with or
without me were crushed. I would love to list these girls and guys by name. I would love to tell their stories as I know them, but something about that doesn’t seem right. I also would love to tell the smaller stories of my encounters with them... but I don’t think that seems right either. Instead I think I’ll stop there.
Anytime I write about something I love, I must leave it unfinished. Just know that I have
completely fallen in love over the past 3 years. I’ve fallen in love with this team. I’ve fallen in
love with the school. I’ve fallen in love with 14 senior girls and 7 junior girls who I may not be
able to keep up with once I move away. I have fallen in love with the houses and the roads
that I’ve driven too many times to count. I’ve fallen in love with being heartbroken over the
stories that live in those houses and on that road. I have a feeling that’s what God was hoping
for. I think he sorta loves when we fall in love with being heartbroken because I think it
translates into us falling more in love with Him.
-Jessie Hoaglin is on student staff in Knoxville, TN. She is team leader at Austin East, a high school with a strong urban population. Jessie will be on staff in the Memphis East area in the fall.
